The Eternal Optimist

 

 

My sweetie 

 
So as usual I'm terribly late in updating my blog. It's been 5 days since I got back from Wellington.
The Trip:
The train took 10 hours. Argh! It arrived at Wellington at 10 at night, an hour and a half late. It was quite a nice trip though, lots of cows. Lots of grass. It was really good to see Wellington again. As we came around a corner towards the harbour and saw the lights I felt inexplicably happy. It was almost like arriving home. It was great to see Asha again, even though it had only been 3 weeks since I last saw her I said that it felt like longer. She looked at me funny. We went and got a coffee/iced chocolate because the bus out to Eastbourne wasn't due for an hour and a half. We got our drinks sit down and Billy Boyd walks past the window. I would have run out and glomped him, but he looked so serious. And I was kinda shocked. He was looking gorgeous in a suit, obviously out clubbing. The bus was late. We got to Asha's Grandparents place around 1 in the morning.
Chapter 2 next post.

 
I'm going!!!!! Eeep! I can't believe it! My lovely sister, seeing how stressed I've still been since uni finished offered to lend me the money for the trip to Wellington. At first I said no don't worry. But then today I was watching the news about the stars arriving and I couldn't handle it. So in a matter of 3 hours my train was booked accomodation arranged (Thank You Asha!!), and I'm buzzing so badly!!!

 
Well now it's official. From the coroner- Suicide by hanging.

 
I got an email from Nathalie that I opened last night. It was entitled 'Some Sad News' I was thinking that maybe something had happened to Max or she was saying that she wasn't going to be able to go to Wellington, or something. I couldn't believe what it said when I did open it. "'Tis a sad day for Seaquest fans. Apparently Jonathan Brandis has died."
Not 'apparently', to my dismay. Definitely. On 12th November. I looked at so many sites last night to try and find out more. It looks like suicide, according to the coroner's report. He took an overdose of pills. Something to do with the child actor syndrome.
He actually took the overdose on the 11th, a friend called an ambulance on the night of the 11th and they took him to a hospital but he died on the 12th. There has been some speculation that the drug involved was Accutane and acne treatment that has sideeffect warnings that mention suicide attempts. But there hasn't been anything definite on that information.
His family have not made any public comments yet. I can't blame them. This is quite a shock to come to terms with.
Now I know it's been a few years since I had any real crush on him, but, he was my first tv crush. My first ideal guy figure. He was my template for all other ideal guys since. My first geek boy too.
I went to the findagrave website where I'd found out you could leave a message. One of the other messaages said something along the lines of 'I remember Jon from Neverending story II and Ladybugs. I really liked him when I was a teenager. Now that he's gone it feels like a part of my childhood is gone too.'
As stupid as it sounds I know what she's talking about.
Jonathan has always had a special place in my heart. People have heard me say that often enough. Whnever I'd see something with him in it on tv I'd watch it. He was the poster I always used to talk to the most. Even with all the Backstreet boys and Howie and other posters I had up. It was always Jon I talked to.
He sort of represented my growing up, my developing into a person. Whenever I think of that time -intermediate through high school- I think of him.
#Whenever I think of the mid ninties
Your face comes up with a vengence
Like it was yesterday.#
That's how I modified part of that Alanis song Unsent.
Then of course there was my favourite verse. Dear Mathew changed to Dear Jonathan, California to NZ and song to script to give.
#dear Jonathan I like you a lot
I realize you're in a relationship with someone
right now
and I respect that
I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future
and you want to come visit me in New Zealand I would be
open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when
you wrote your first script#
Of course I know what the script was "Siamese Dream". I think it was for the second series of DSV.
He was 27. Too young. Not as young as some people go, I know. But young all the same. It's weird I keep thinking how did he decide he was going to do it that day? Then. On the 11th. What was going through his mind that he thought he couldn't face another day?
I've spent the whole day downloading songs that make me think of him. And I went and found all the magazine articles and posters of him that I still had from all those years ago. This is about the 10th edit I've done to this post. I keep noticing spelling mistakes or thinking of extra things to add.
This is probably not healthy behaviour from a 21 year old.
I know all this seems really stupid, but I really am going to miss him.
Bye Jonathan

 
Kind of boring week at home. But in an odd way it's been kind of nice. I've come to terms with the fact that once again nobody wants to employ me. Despite me effectively having an effing bachelor degree.

 
Well now my exams are finished. I'm home again. Have been for three days. Don't know anything about jobs except Wallaceville don't want me. So what's new. Still waiting on livestock improvement. Got to pay rent for another week. New people don't move in untill 1st.
Daniel and Erin so completeley annoying! They never shut up! Whether they're fighting or just saying stuff! Been playing Sims with my Fellowship family. Aragorn is following musical career, Legolas a paranormal career and Boromir is supposed to be in the army but he refused to go to work. Humph